From doing work around parents, educators, and even supervisors in the workplace, it is realized quickly that many people still see discipline as something you do to people rather than something that is cultivated. This distinction is so important to changing the relationships we have with students, employees, and even our own children. If we want to nurture discipline in others, we need to take a hard look at our framework including the words we use.
Now, I totally get that most dictionaries and even some experts might tell you that discipline is a verb. And you are welcome to continue that view. I personally don’t think that view serves us well when we are trying to create a world where people are thriving and engaged in their studies or work. I think we need to rethink the words.
We throw the words discipline, punishment, and consequences around like they are interchangeable. This is a huge problem when trying to move to a restorative approach to behavior. Each of these words has very different meanings and even more so, they have are very different outcomes. We don’t “discipline” children because discipline isn’t really a verb. It is a noun. You don’t do it, you nurture it. Discipline is the internalize motivation to one’s behavior where punishment is an external control. Discipline is the internal willingness to sit and practice the piano because you see how practice improves your playing. Punishment causes people to practice the piano in fear of what we will do to them if they don’t. The latter of those being what the psychologist William Glasser, in his book Choice Theory, called external control psychology. Discipline involves the person making a choice to take action based on internal reasoning versus external manipulation. External reasoning almost always involves the fear of punishment or the promise of rewards. Such tactics are nothing short of manipulation.
A few years ago, I was doing some work with a youth organization’s interns and staff. The interns were all teenagers who would be working with younger kids to teach then about being stewards of the environment and leadership. When one of the adult staff expressed some confusion about the differences between punishment and consequences, a youth intern named, Corey eloquently and with much excitement stated, “you can’t make up consequences. You need to make-up punishments.” I thought this was a brilliant understanding and no surprise it came from a 16 year old. Consequences are simple. You go out in the rain, you get wet. You spill the milk, you need to clean it up. You speak unkindly of others, and you won’t have many friends. Consequences are about cause and effect and they exist naturally in the world. Our goal is always to help people see the consequences of their actions. In other words, we are talking about impact. This will help them develop internal reasoning for their future behaviors. I call this process influence.
The goal of punishment is usually compliance with rules. We don’t really want compliance. Compliance gets you a student or employee who is doing what you want in fear of punishment or for the promise of reward. What happens when the external control is taken away? There is no reason to be compliant. What we really want is engagement. We want kids or those we supervise to see the reason behind behaving a certain way and developing a sense of discipline around it. If a teacher is using external control to get compliance, it is almost guaranteed that class will be a train-wreck when they have a substitute teacher who doesn’t have the ability to get the same compliance. The kids don’t see the benefit of behaving to themselves other than not getting punished. Further illustration of this comes from a 1974 parenting study that found children that came from homes that used physical punishments had children less likely to behave when they were not at home. Same idea, if you take away the threat, you take away the reason to be compliant.
We also have to take a moment to acknowledge that too often the word “consequences” is secret code for punishments. All to often, teachers and the adults try to use the term consequences for things that are actually punishments. We want to make sure we frame out the natural impacts of actions rather than inventing stuff to control student compliance.
At its heart, restorative justice aims to help people see the consequences of their actions and seeks to assist them in dealing with those consequences. So when little Sally is running in the classroom, we help her to understand the safety issue rather then having her afraid to run because of the fear of punishment.
Its is all about influence!
To cultivate a sense of internal discipline, we need to use influence developed through relationships. Punishment hinders this process because it damages relationship, causes resentment, and therefore decreases the influence we have over future choices. This is the recognition we can’t make people do stuff! We only have the power to influence their future choices. All our behaviors are a choice. The only way to build influence is to build relationship. This is hard when you have 30 little faces smiling at you in the classroom or you’re staring into the eyes of your own flesh and blood when they have just been suspended for fighting. We need to check our own emotions and make sure we aren’t re-acting from anger or frustration. Then we need to connect with the behavior instead of judging it as right or wrong, good or bad. Connect with what they were thinking and feeling at the time they chose to act. Talk about the impact of the actions and then talk about new behaviors.
Influence is built over time while compliance is gained by anyone in the moment. Influence is also built on trust and relationship. All humans have the desire to be in “good” relationship with others. When we work off this premise, we are far more likely to see others behavior as mistakes rather than purposeful actions meant to irritate or annoy. I can’t tell you the countless teachers I have met who are convinced student behavior is designed solely to push their buttons or irritate them. Such a view of behavior leaves little chance of seeing what is actually behind the behavior. In some cases student behavior could be influenced by unprocessed feelings, trauma, or even simple boredom. We won’t know until we build connection and relationship.
I was working with 6th grade teachers in a K-8 school in New Haven, CT. They described to me a student who was misbehaving in the class and constantly disturbing other students. They claimed to have tried everything to manage this behavior. I inquired as to how much one-on-one time they had with this student. The immediately replied, “We don’t have time for that.” Surely they could see how much time they already invested trying to get compliance with no change from a child they had little relationship with in the first place. Why would he want to change his behavior for people with whom he doesn’t have a sense of connection or trust? They had not built their influence on him. All they could hope for is the external stuff working and it was not.
In a truly restorative classroom, influence is all around. Teachers are not the only influence to behave in ways that benefit the group. In a restorative classroom we use circles and restorative dialogue to build enough trust between students that they influence each other’s behavior. That only happens when we invest the time into having students be in relationship with each other! This is also true of the workplace. Supervisors have a much better chance of getting great work from an employee with whom they have connection and influence than an employee who doesn’t have a sense of belonging to the team.