I was reading a friend’s Facebook page and I saw they called someone who is against gay marriage a “bigot” and I immediately felt disappointed on a number of different levels. The first one being that I wish more people would begin to see gays and lesbians from a more realistic and scientific viewpoint rather than these religious views that tend to ignore the humanity of those involved. I was disappointed my friend was driven to the point of anger that he had to write someone off as a label. The second reason I felt disappointed is that I have grown to very much dislike the word “bigot” because the way I see it, you need to become a bigot to call someone else a bigot.
You see, the dictionary defines a bigot as “a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices.” I would take that to mean that in order for me to label someone else a bigot I need to stubbornly be devoted to my opinion that this person cannot or will not ever change their opinion. In other words, I need to be a bigot towards them to call them a bigot towards me. This relentless cycle of name calling wastes a good deal of time that could actually be used to create some meaningful change rather than increased animosity on both sides.
I don’t want you to think I don’t understand the where and why people call each other bigots. I do understand that to reach that point in our anger means we have written off another person as a person and now deemed them a thing that is unchangeable. We have put their humanity and viewpoints to the side and deemed them nothing more than a label. I am a little concerned that writing people off as a thing is a valuable way to create the world in which we are hoping to reside. It reminds me of that famous quote from Einstein:
“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew.”
I find it hard to believe we can solve the problems of intolerance from an energy of intolerance. I do think, if we dig down deep enough, we can find the strength it takes to face all intolerance, bigotry and hate with a relentless compassion and empathy. I know the concept sounds radical and I realize some have not even read to this paragraph without rolling their eyes and deeming me as naive. Either way, I think Einstein was on to something.
When President Obama made the decision to send more troops off to a war with which I strongly disagree, more than a few of my peacemaking friends took to calling him a “war monger” and a “hypocrite.” Again, I understand the anger that drives such name calling. I share that anger. I believe this war is “unwinnable” by current means. My thoughts on the war, of course, are an entirely different post. What surprised me is that many of those who deemed the president a “war monger” are people who I respect for the peacework I see them do. It surprises me to hear them use such labels because they too have been studying the ways of Gandhi, King and Nonviolence. It saddens me to see them slip from having compassion and empathy to the use of verbal violence and labeling.
To conclude my little tirade, (I think I am mostly venting) I guess I would request that we rethink our approach toward those with whom we disagree. That we really use the message of King and Gandhi to fight intolerance with tolerance, hatred with love and fight violence with nonviolence. That we rethink this idea that we can name call others into seeing our point of view, our needs and our hopes is in anyway going to make the change we seek. More so, that we rethink the idea that we can make change without truly seeing the roots of people’s bigotry and changing it rather than writing them off as a label.
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December 7th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I agree that the B word is overused, but you have redefined it so that it is meaningless.
It is not bigoted to be honest and describe people who are obstinately or intolerantly devoted to their own opinions and prejudices.
One does not need to be stubbornly devoted to their own views in order to identify irrational and obstinate indifference to the truth in others.
December 7th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
There’s at least a 42% chance that it was my Facebook wall, so here are my thoughts:
1. When I use the word “bigot,” I’m not talking about the movable middle, those who may mean well and think they support equal rights, yet haven’t wrapped their heads around the word “marriage.”
2. I disagree with the notion that you have to BE one to call somebody one. A person who is unreasonable prejudiced against black people is a bigot. Doesn’t make me a bigot or “intolerant” to say it — that’s the false equivalency that the Right uses to set up inane accusations of “reverse racism!” and the like. Likewise, terming a person who is unwilling to acknowledge the reality of gay people, for the sake of their iron age religious dogma, is a bigot.
3. I, mostly, disagree with the notion that we really should be concerned about effecting “meaningful change” with those 20-30% of the population who will stubbornly die with their bigotry intact. Screw them. I’m through talking to them, and I think we’d be a lot better off, as a movement, if we quit dignifying their pig ignorance and bigotry with an answer. To accord them some sort of respect for their views smacks of that “common ground” crap we see in Congress every day, where “centrist” senators, given the choice between mandatory raping and free puppies, will try to broker a “compromise.”
4. And again, being “intolerant of bigotry” is perfectly within the broader category of “tolerance.”
This is the problem that too many of my fellow liberals run into, trying to “respect” everybody’s beliefs and practices. Again, screw that. Fundamentalist religion is bad. Anti-gay bigotry is bad. Radical Islamic societies are bad. Period.
December 8th, 2009 at 12:05 am
I try to make a distinction between bigoted IDEAS, and those who hold them. Once we label the people, we help harden them in their beliefs and stances. After all, we all say stupid or intolerant things at times. This doesn’t make us stupid or intolerant *people* unless we choose to stay in that place. It is difficult to make the distinction when we feel under attack, of course. But I think it’s worth the effort. I agree, Evan, that not all beliefs and practices are worthy of respect. All PEOPLE are — even the worst criminals have a flicker of light within them. While fundamentalist religion is evil and destructive, the followers of it are just mislead humans, some of whom CAN change their beliefs and conduct. Villifying them makes it more likely they will not change.
December 8th, 2009 at 4:39 am
I see your point, Valorie, but I have a life to live, and I no longer give a damn about trying to reach the bigots in our society.
Fuck them.
Pure demographics say they’re going to be gone long before I am, unless a tidal wave takes me out.
Seriously, I’m 29, and I don’t know how old you are, but I am SO through. “They” might as well not exist in my country. We will move on without them.
December 8th, 2009 at 4:51 am
One more thing, Valorie:
To put it in perspective, YES, we all say stupid or intolerant things at times.
But those of us who truly strive toward tolerance and equality, when we say these things:
A. Say them in a group of like-minded individuals, who know that we are being brilliantly snarky/sarcastic/ironic. This is my specialty.
B. Say them, and are open to criticism when it’s suggested that we’re wrong.
But my suggestion here is that there is a segment of society which is not worth reaching. I’m not saying I want to deny their happiness. I want them to be as happy as they can be, while they live their sheltered, ignorant lives into the ground.
I remember, after my grandmother died, I had this argument with my mother, who was using the guilt factor on my brother and me (brother and I are agnostic):
She: “She didn’t question it, like you two. She just BELIEVED ON IT.”
Me: “Yeah, well, good for her.”
Grandmother was also a rank bigot who, after finding out I was gay, wrote an 8 page handwritten hate letter to me (FOR MY BIRTHDAY!), and who bitched and moaned about the gay pride parade in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Oh, also, she was not a fan of the niggers, I mean coloreds, I mean blacks.
So seriously, fuck her. And all people like her. They’re dying faster than their kind can reproduce. Why in the hell should we coddle them and spend our precious lives trying to find fucking “common ground” with them? Give me a goddamned break.
December 8th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Evan,
Here are my thoughts after reading your comments.
1) What I find nice about separating people from problems, is that is allows you to really see what the problem is and how it can be solved. When we see people as the problem, it becomes personalized and individualized. In the case of your Grandmother, if she was really the problem, why is that problem still alive today? Answer: She wasn’t the problem or a bigot. She just didn’t know better. I truly believe if people knew better, they would do better. My father’s father was the same way. I cringed when I heard him use the “n” word. Yet, he was a very compassionate man who cared about others. I think, had he learned to do something different, he would have. I believe the same to be true of your Grandmother. If we see the “bigots” as the problem, we won’t ever address the real problems and those are ignorance and fear. If we don’t believe people will change, how will they ever believe they can change?
2)Those who hold prejudice teach it to their children. It won’t die out as you have stated. Prejudice, hate and bigotry will outlive you. It has been alive for years. The target groups change from century to century yet bigotry and fear have remained. Jews, Blacks, Irish, Italians, Native Americans, Gays and Lesbians and now today, Arabs and Mexicans. At one time or another, the groups suffering at the hands of bigotry and fear have changed, the fear doesn’t die off, it needs to be calmed and changed by those willing to face it head on. You can use military force to stop genocide but to end hate takes love. You can’t force, even by threat, others to change their beliefs. You can change those beliefs through listening, understanding and compassion. It takes time.
GLBT folks may get their rights in the courts, it will take time to change attitudes, calm fears and enlighten hearts so that we can truly see a different world.
In the end, I have seen that those with bigoted views are not dying off faster than they can reproduce. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, they are growing in rapid numbers as hate groups are on the rise, including those who are anti-gay.
3) Compassion is better for you. I can feel the anger in your words. There is nothing compassionate about “fuck her” or “Fuck them” it is anger turned at people. Again, while your busy being angry at them, the problems still fester below because while your busy being angry at the people, the problems live on.
I have also learned that going around to groups and telling them my story of being bashed twice for being gay, telling them how I believe there is a better way and then teaching them what that is (nonviolence) has changed way more minds and hearts than I ever could by saying “fuck them they will die off anyway.”