Speak Compassion

I have been spending a lot of my thoughts and energy lately on building compassion for those who do things or believe things with which I disagree.  This is not an easy task and it really involves not allowing myself to loose sight of other people’s humanity.  It also means truly focusing on the needs met by other people’s actions especially when I disagree.

Finding this compassion also seems to require me to believe that all humans are basically well intentioned and that is surprisingly not that hard.  For starters, psychologists have noted for decades that all human behavior is in the service of meeting human needs.  If the intentions of all people are really about getting their needs met, and all of us have the same universal human needs, that would mean that none of us has ever done anything that wasn’t well intentioned.  We are all just trying to get our needs met.  We just don’t always choose strategies that work with everyone else.

I have been watching the news and reading blogs of people with whom I disagree on strategies to meet their needs.  The healthcare bill is a prime example of this.  I am in favor of a the strategy of the public option.  This “strategy” meets my needs for growth for us as a Country because I believe it helps us value every human life.  It also meets my needs for financial security for the Country as I think this is the better move at keeping costs down since our treatments are keeping people alive longer but not without significant costs that are rising as our treatments get more advance, and people need more care.  I realize that other people feel anxious and concerned about this strategy because it doesn’t meet their needs for growth or financial security for the Country.  Pointing out that our needs are the same.  We all want, value and need financial security, we all want growth for the Country and the strategies we choose are not in agreement.  Our needs are what connect all of us.

Here’s the CATCH!

When I focus on the needs of other people and NOT the strategies, it is much easier for me to see them as human and find compassion.  It is easier for me than labeling them as “greedy” or “insensitive” to the plight of others.  I can then acknowledge their humanity while disagreeing with their tactics.  I can separate the people from the problem.

I realize I have oversimplified this for the sake of writing this article and that this takes more effort than some may think it is worth.  For me, as I can’t speak for anyone else, this is about the person I want to be and the world I want for future generations.  I don’t want to see others, regardless what they have done, as a label.  Take for  instance those who are against same-sex marriage, I don’t want to see a “bigot” because I have grown to believe people are not really “bigots.”  I think they are choosing strategies to meet their needs for spirituality that don’t meet my needs for equality.  I sometimes struggle to see their needs and get past the name calling that happens in my head, yet that is the person I am working to be. I wish we could find ways to meet both our needs and I have some doubts that will happen.  I still don’t want to sink so low that I have to call them names or view them as the enemy.  It is those enemy images that block us from seeing others’ humanity.  It is also those same enemy images that block them from seeing our humanity.

As I have said, this is a goal I have and I am working to achieve it in my life.  To find compassion for even those who I just don’t like.  I have learned that we don’t have to like people to connect with them as humans and yet when we can connect with them, humans are beautiful.  What’s not to like really?

One of the reasons I stopped writing as much about gay rights is that I realized how radical it is to look for compassion and empathy for people in the pro-family, anti-gay side. (example: Peter LaBarbera, Mary Gallagher, Brian Brown, etc.)  I have learned this isn’t always favorable in the eyes of many and I am even looking for compassion for them.  Sometimes I can find it and sometimes I can’t get past the fact I believe in the deepest parts of my soul,  their tactics of name calling and personal attacks on the other side hurt more than help our goals.

I guess it would be helpful if I explained what I mean by compassion and empathy.  First off, it doesn’t mean that I approve of what they are doing.  Compassion means I want to understand the “why” behind the actions.  What is this about for them?  For me, I think it is the easy way out to just call them a bigot or a hater and then call it a day. It is the easy way out to label someone something that detracts from their humanity and it is what they are doing to us?  I think it also oversimplifies things.  If all behavior is in the service of needs, then their actions meet universal human needs for them.  What are those needs and can they be met some other way and at less cost to others?

Even for lesser political things, I want to reach this place of compassion in my life. The guy that cuts me off on the highway could be seen as a maniac, rude, reckless and any other number of labels. With compassion, he might be seen as someone in a rush to see his dying mother before she passing away in the emergency room.

I don’t always agree with the people I meet. The real deal is that most people are not bigots, they are afraid. Calling them names like hater or bigot increases their fear while confronting their fear with compassion may actually calm it.  I believe the latter to be more effective.

So, how am I doing this?  What is the process?

The first step is to remove the labels we have on people.  As long as we are seeing people as bigots, haters, heartless, selfish, greedy, insensitive, cruel or whatever label we have, it is likely we are part of the problem, not the solution.  Next we need to connect and empathize with what needs the person was trying meet when they did what they did. Unless we connect and understand those needs, our actions in response are likely to create more violence.

Next, we need to to check back with ourselves.  We need to look at our own feelings, our pain in response to what this person (or group) did and what needs of ours were not met.  For each enemy image we have of someone, we must empathize with ourselves as to what needs of ours are not met.  For example, if we see our boss as “a jerk” and “a control freak” because he requested that all travel requests be approved before reimbursements will be given, it will be unlikely that we will be able to empathize with why he has done this and therefore impossible for us to find other ways for his needs to be met at less cost to us.

Chances are, if we only see the boss as a control freak, we will not address the issues that will then meet our needs.  We will instead feed our enemy images and look for other ways to back up our conclusion that he is a control freak.  On the other hand, if we are able to check in with our own needs, that travel isn’t always predictable and that pre-approval may not always be possible and that we have a need for financial security and cannot afford to “not” get reimbursed, then perhaps we can explore ways to meet everyone’s needs.  After we have done away with the enemy images, then we can explore what needs the boss was trying to meet with his new rule and see if there is another way that need can be met AND still meet our own needs.

For me, this is a personal journey I am taking to be the person I want to be.  I can’t say I know what needs are met by Peter LaBarbera with some of his actions.   I also can’t say I know what Gov. Donald Carcieri  needs were when he vetoed the domestic partner funeral bill.   I know the easy way out is to call him a bigot and a hater.  It also means my reactions will be from an energy of violence rather than compassion.   I don’t want that for myself.  I believe we can make change in other ways without using violence either physical or non-physical.

It is unlikely we can make change by convincing those who disagree with us how evil they are.  It is unlikely we can influence voters to vote for our rights by convincing them they are bigots and haters.  I do believe we can make change by empathizing with the fear in people that is the root of homophobia.   We can influence change by trying to help others see that their actions are effecting us in negative ways and explore ways they can get their needs met at less cost to us.  This process will work in the quest for equality and it can work in the conflicts in our families, places of employment and even our churches.

One of the reason both Gandhi and MLK were so successful in their nonviolent campaigns was their ability to find compassion for those who were viewed as their adversary.   This was also the case for President Ronald Reagan and Russian leader Mikhail Gorbachev who somehow found ways to see each others humanity beyond their political differences.  They didn’t start this way.  They were arch rivals until one day Reagan is said to have turn to Gorbachev after a heated debate and say, “This isn’t working. Can we start over? Hi my name is Ron.  Can I call you Mikhail” and they formed a friendship that helped to end the cold war.

I believe this change in view can help us solve many of today’s problems in our families, in our schools, in our workplaces and in our communities.  It is written in the Tao Te Ching that if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.  I believe compassion is a better way and we can find it for those with whom we disagree when we change the way we look at them.   I know my journey is not for everyone but imagine if everyone took this journey with me. I wonder what we might accomplish.  As much as Gandhi?  As much as King?

Marshall Rosenberg writes in his book, Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What you say next could change the world:

“Peace requires something more than revenge or merely turning the other cheek; it requires empathizing with the fears and unmet needs that provide the impetus for people to attack each other.  Being aware of these feelings and needs, people lose their desire to attack because they can see the human ignorance leading to these attacks; instead, their goal becomes providing the empathetic connection and education that will enable them to transcend their violence and engage in cooperative relationships.”

I am convinced if we can transform the way we see those with whom we disagree, we can find ways to meet everyone’s needs.  As soon as we can get past the labels that declare who is right and who is wrong; the labels that declare who deserves what punishment or reward then I believe we have a chance to make real lasting change.  The poet and philosopher Rumi wrote, “Out there beyond the ideas of rightness and wrongness there is a field.  I will meet you there.” It is on that field that the solutions to many of the conflicts in our lives stand for the taking.

I also believe that in those cases where it is difficult to make this connection, that at least one party has to make the effort for anything life-enriching to happen.  Why not you?  This is how we can “be the change we wish to see in the world.”