Speak Compassion

It has been awhile since I have written about things I see in the gay news and this just caught my eye as such a chance to use creative nonviolence to make a point.  It would seem anti-gay activist and founder of Americans for Truth About Homosexuality’s Peter LaBarbera is going to take a shot at political office.  He is running for Republican State Central Committeeman for the 13 Congressional District of Illinois.  I admire his use of the democratic system by running and hope GLBT folks do the same.  I would love to see Peter running against a gay or lesbian opponent.

Of course, part of his campaign platform is based on his opposition to equality for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and anyone else who doesn’t fit into his view of pro-family.  I couldn’t help but think wow, this is such a great opportunity for some creative nonviolence in action.  The possibilities of how to turn this into something more positive are endless.  For starters, any actions taken needs to respect Mr. LaBarbera’s humanity regardless of how he sees us as GLBT citizens.  Attacking the message is really all that’s needed here.  Mr. LaBarbera does have children and I have no desire for those kids to see hurtful stuff in the news about their dad. It is not the kids’ fault their dad chooses to be so outspoken against GLBT folks.

At the end of the day, Peter and I share some of the same human values.  We both care about family, security, spirituality, stability for our country, and many other things.  Where we differ is on the strategies to meet those human needs.  I personally don’t ever want to lose sight of this in others regardless if they are unable or unwilling to see it in me.

Back to my idea, I love the idea of turning his campaign into a pro-GLBT event.  Here are some of my ideas of how to make it work:

- Let’s hold a LaBarberathon…..we could raise money for GLBT youth by collecting donations for everyday he stays in the race or how about we get people to donate $5 for every time he says “homosexual agenda” in a speech.

- We could do a silent protest of all his campaign events, press conferences and speeches while carrying signs with some of his more colorful quotes about GLBT folks and just refusing to talk (tribute to a Day of Silence). When people ask protesters to speak they can hand out cards that say why they are remaining silent.  I think many would find that the mean-spirited things he has said about gays and lesbians don’t match up with the picture they know to be true from their GLBT friends, relatives, co-workers, etc.   While he makes us out as monsters he also hurts and offends those with connections to the gay community.   Bring his words into the light of day.

- We could also start a Political Action Committee and call it “Leatherman for LaBarbera” and collect money for his opponent.

I bet many ideas are out there about how to use creative nonviolence to address Mr. LaBarbera’s campaign against GLBT folks.  Below is the list of what creative nonviolence is from the peace site, Pace e Bene.

Principles of Creative Nonviolence

• Creative Nonviolence acknowledges, repairs, and transforms the infinite relatedness and unity of all life.
• Injustice depends on either active or passive support (resulting from silence, indifference or fear). Violence is any personal, interpersonal, institutional or systemic act, attitude or policy that dehumanizes, diminishes or destroys. It thrives by passive or active support. Creative nonviolence is the process of transforming this support for injustice by mobilizing and unleashing nonviolent people power.
• Each of us has a piece of the truth and the un-truth. Creative Nonviolence is a process of acknowledging and revealing the pieces of truth and untruth on both sides in a conflict as the basis for a just and constructive solution. Creative Nonviolence seeks the truth rather than the conquest of one side over another.
• Creative Nonviolence is the process of transforming Us vs. Them thought and action.
• Creative nonviolence unifies rather than threatens; integrates rather than fragments and destroys; draws us closer rather than excluding and separating; and challenges all double standards.
• Creative Nonviolence recognizes that each of us has tendencies toward both violence and love. It maintains, as Alexander Solzhenitsyn put it, “The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.” Each of us has only a piece of the truth, and therefore each of us possesses a piece of the un-truth. Creative nonviolence fails when it is arrogant or self-righteous, especially when it claims to be free of violence, or when it asserts that only others are violent.
• Creative Nonviolence is stronger than the Power of Violence, which is a destructive force designed to defeat and dominate others and that often seeks to separate “us” from “them.” Creative Nonviolence, for this reason, disputes the claim that violence establishes peace, justice and order in any just and lasting way.
• Creative Nonviolence pursues its goal, not with passivity or retaliation, but with creative engagement and loving resistance. It willingly faces the consequences of its engagement and resistance.
• Creative Nonviolence is nurtured and strengthened by community, relationship-building, ongoing education, and practice. It requires training and experience in love, courage, creativity, and relentless persistence. This includes examining and transforming the ways that violence and injustice has been consciously or unconsciously internalized.
• Creative Nonviolence is not a path toward an idealistic utopia but a process for envisioning, weaving, mending, and honoring the web of personal, interpersonal, social, global and ecological relationships. The spirit and methods of Creative Nonviolence are suited to this ongoing creation and re-creation of the world.

This is a nice article written by Richard Layard at Huffington Post about how empathy is really the source of our joy and happiness not money.  Of course, intellectually we all know this fact, our televisions and billboards have done a good job at brainwashing us into believing we need “stuff” to be happy.   In reality, we are hardwired to find joy in helping each other.

Layard writes:

For we are born with a strongly social side to our nature (a homo empathicus), as well as a profoundly selfish side. By the age of two many children will run and comfort another child who is hurt. We are wired up for fellow feeling — when subjects in an experiment watch others put their hands in icy water, their own temperature falls.

Read the article here.

Communicating Compassionately in a World of Conflict

April 16, 2010 - 32 Elm St. New Haven, CT
9:00AM - 4:00PM

Transform conflict in your home, workplace, school and in your community

Based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand, and diagnose — to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people. We express our feelings in terms of what another person has “done to us,” instead of taking responsibility for our feelings independent of another person. We struggle to understand our own needs in the moment, or to effectively ask for what we want without using unhealthy demands, threats, or coercion. At best, communicating and thinking this way can create misunderstanding and frustration. And still worse, it can lead to anger, depression, and even emotional or physical violence.

Through a combination of lecture, group work, video and role plays, we will examine the thinking, language, and moralistic judgments that keep us from managing the conflicts in our lives. We will explore the 4-Part NVC process and how it can be used to express ourselves in ways people can hear without judgment or raising defenses. We will also explore news ways to hear what others are saying so we don’t hear blame or judgment of us. You’ll start to manage conflicts with more easily, request what you want without using demands and begin to strengthen your personal and professional relationships.

To Register:
Register Online at www.community-mediation.org or mail check or money order to: 32 Elm Street, New Haven, CT 06510. (Checks should be made payable to Community Mediation, Inc.) Registration is open to the public. Seating is limited. The requested fee for this training is $89.00 per person and includes lunch and materials. A selection of NVC books will be available for purchase at the workshop via cash or check. The deadline for registration is April 12, 2010. Questions, please call (203) 782-3500.

About the Presenter:
Twice the victim of violent crimes, Joe Brummer has spent years exploring why people commit acts of violence against others. He has studied nonviolence, conflict resolution and clocked hundreds of hours at the mediation table. He has worked with the Institute for the Study and Practice of Nonviolence to bring nonviolence to youth in schools, trained with the Community Mediation Center of RI and serves on their Juvenile Restorative Justice Advisory Board. In the winter 2008, Joe attended the International Intensive Training on Nonviolent Communication. He has presented on NVC at national conventions, universities and private organizations across New England. Joe is the Connecticut representative for New England NVC. View his website at www.speakcompassion.com

Sponsered by Community Mediation, Inc.

This was a short clip on the blocks to listening from the Martin Luther King Day workshop I presented at the Dae Yen Sa International Buddhist Temple in New Hartford, CT.  I really enjoyed doing this workshop and was happy it was well attended.  Anyway, I would love to hear your feedback on this clip and my style of presenting.  I learn from the feedback.

Another clip:

I enjoyed reading this post over at G-A-Y and particularly liked this statement from Jeremy Hooper who I have much respect for because of his nonviolent way of confronting the religious right.  I think there is valuable wisdom in this quote!

As active participants of this [civil rights] movement, we can and should challenge tactics, strategies, rhetoric, and leadership. Both ours and our opposition’s. However, there’s no reason to turn it personal. As people who come with all of the trappings that are laid upon us as humans, we’ll naturally have our own interpersonal whatnots with each other. But for the sake of the movement, we should strive to disconnect the two. The message is what matters.

~Jeremy Hooper.

I saw this video posted on Waging Nonviolence.  Great stuff.

I liked to wish all of my readers a happy whatever you celebrate Ramadan, Hanukkah, Christmas, the Solstice, or Kwanzaa.   I am celebrating Christmas with my family in the South and enjoying the warmth before I head back to my snowy residence in New England.   My holiday message to you:

Remember, Peace on Earth is not just for Christmas anymore!

I sometimes believe that it has become easy for us to just walk by those that appear to be living on the streets pretending we just don’t see them.  We just assume in our little minds that they are not “help-able” or that there is nothing we can do.  I can assure you that is bullshit!  There is lots you can do if you choose to do it.

-You can buy a person who is homeless some lunch!

-Volunteer at a shelter even if it is just one or two days a month.

-If you can think of nothing else, when you walk by them on the street, say “hello” and smile rather than pretending you don’t see them.  They see you.

This is a great story about a woman in Philly who is helping homeless men regain their self-confidence by getting them to go running.  She gave up a dream job in communications to go out there and make a difference.  I am inspired to watch this story.

A California man has been arrested for refusing to kick out homeless clients who have been living in tents and trailers on his ranch.   Change.org is reporting:

For eight years, Dan de Vaul has operated a residential sobriety program on his sprawling 72-acre ranch in San Luis Obispo. While many formerly homeless addicts credit de Vaul with their sobriety, he was arrested today for building code violations that violated the terms of his probation. Should de Vaul be praised for his efforts to house the homeless or punished for doing so illegally?

Pictured after the jump, the residential facilities on de Vaul’s ranch were a mix of trailers, tents, garden sheds, and old converted houses and barns. The LA Times reported that De Vaul has received numerous orders to shut down the center, kick out the residents, and clean up his property. Yet, as soon as the authorities go away, he lets the sober-living clients back in.

Call it a blatant disregard for the law? Or an unapologetic desire to do what he believes is right?

Either way, de Vaul’s defiance has landed him in prison. Two months ago, a jury convicted him of two misdemeanor building code violations. He was sentenced to probation, under which he could not break any laws. Since he again refused to displace the residents of his sobriety program, he was arrested and sentenced to prison for 90 days.

“I’m proud to go to jail for housing the homeless,” he told reporters.

The following article appeared in the December 2009 edition of Options Magazine in Rhode Island.

If you have ever seen the film, “Home for the Holidays” staring Robert Downey, Jr. where bitter battles, flying turkey dinners and screaming matches are just as much a theme for the holidays as cranberry sauce or potato pancakes, you know that the holiday season can bring out family conflicts. A holiday dinner can have simple questions provoking sarcastic comments, opposing political viewpoints turning into heated angry debates or boyfriend choices turning into slamming dishes.

One of the reasons we end up in conflict is because we listen to the words people choose rather than the message behind them. Psychologists have been telling us for decades that all behavior, including our words, is an attempt to get our basic human needs met. Psychologist and creator of the process known as Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg claims that human beings are only saying two things, “Please” and “Thank you.” While we have many versions of expressing these two things, we are really only asking people to “please” meet our needs or expressing gratitude when our needs are met. When we listen to the needs and feelings behind difficult messages, we are able to stay in a place of compassion.

We have four basic choices of how we can hear and respond to difficult messages. The first choice is to fight back. This means redirecting the message back to the speaker. This includes competing to prove rightness or wrongness. For example we might say, “Well if you hadn’t…” or “You know the problem with you is…” This choice tends to put the speaker in a “fight or flight” defensive state rather than a place of connection. In this mind frame, people tend to be more concerned with being right than hearing each other.

The second choice is to turn the message on ourselves. It usually sounds like “If only I was a better…” or “I know, I am terrible at these things…” This response tends to turn our focus away from the speaker and into a self-loathing session in our heads. It prevents us from being fully present to what the speaker is really saying and does little for our self-esteem.

The third and fourth choices focus on listening for “please” and “thank you.” We can hear the speaker’s message and try to connect with what comes alive within us in response. What are we “feeling and needing” in response to what we are hearing or seeing. Just being aware of this can help to keep us focused on being compassionate rather than judgmental.

Lastly, we have the choice to check in with the speaker about what is going on for them. It means hearing the “please” and “thank you” buried in their message regardless of how sarcastic, judgmental or thoughtless we believe the words they chose may be. We don’t listen to the words. We listen for the needs being expressed. For example, someone who states “talking to you is like talking to a wall” might really be expressing a need to be heard. Someone who states, “You are ruining your life” might really be expressing fear and a need for security for you. Rosenberg states, “Every moral judgment, snappy remark or evaluation of others is a tragic expression of an unmet need.” If we listen to the human needs and not the poor choose of words, we hear a completely new conversation.

Here is the flying turkey clip from the film: Home for the Holidays

Watch on YouTube

I finally created a fan page for this blog on Facebook.  I did this because, like most writers, I am hoping to up the readers who are following and enjoying this site.  Feel free to click here to visit the page and become a fan of “Speak Compassion”. I also ask you to share this on your page to help spread the word.

If you are looking for gifts this season either for Hanukkah, Christmas, the Winter Solstice or whatever you celebrate, I would like to request you think about the environment.  Remember all that paper you wrap gifts with comes from trees and contains chemical dyes,  The decorations you buy, especially the inflatable snow globes on the front lawn, are basically items awaiting the landfill.  Many artificial trees are made of plastic that will be around longer than Christmas itself will.  This is all stuff we will eventually throw away.  The catch is when you say “away” where is that?

Each year dozens of people buy a “little something” for their neighbors, the mailman, Johnny’s teacher’s pet hamster, etc….Many of those gifts are meaningful because we are taking time to show others we care about them and we were thinking of them during the holiday.  We do try our best not to forget anyone or let anyone think for a moment they were not considered this season.  The problem is that many of these thoughtful gifts are not things people need or want.  Cheap vases, small figurines, plastic ornaments, plastic cookie boxes are all gifts that sound just lovely and use tons of fossil fuels to create.  Plastic ornaments are actually made from fossil fuels, then transported from China on huge ships that burn fossil fuels, then shipped in trucks to Walmart while burning even more fossil fuels.  One could guess it takes several barrels of oil just to make one little smiling plastic Grinch ornaments to hang on your tree.

The holidays are a time to gather with friends, family, and coworkers and celebrate our human community.  It has also become the heart and soul of capitalism and our ongoing addiction to “stuff” we don’t need, won’t keep, and eventually will “throw away” wherever “away” might be.  I would like to make just a few suggestions.  Most of these came because I myself am going to some friend’s house over the holiday and I don’t want to buy stupid little gifts just to give a gift.  I want to give people gifts that they can use and enjoy that won’t be landfill material later.  These ideas of based on what I read and also what I have observed from the last 40 years of holidays.

For off:  Thousands, if not millions of people have been buying stupid little figurines, cheap vases and holiday ornaments for decades.  You can find many of them in landfills and you can also find them in second hand stores,  antique shops and holiday rummage sales.  Rather than buying new stuff to add to the cycle of regifts, buy ones that are already in the regifting system.  There are some great gifts waiting to be found at the local second hand store. (Remember to re-use and recycle)

Second, avoid gift baskets of “products” that are bottled up in plastics.  Only around 1% of all the plastics we make are actually recycled.   While shampoo and hand cream do make nice gifts all the extra packaging involved in this baskets is going to be trash.  The basket itself may also be made of plastic.   If you are going to do gift baskets, make them.   Go to a second hand shop and buy a basket (reuse) and then fill it with up with products that people would use anyway rather than stuff they will throw away.  Skip the plastic bow too!

Buy local goodies!  Chances are your local area has at least one winery, gift shop, bakery or candy store where the products are made locally.  Giving gifts made locally means less fossil fuels were used in the production of the products.  Wine, cheese, candles, pies and candies are just some of the items you are likely to find locally that make great gifts with little packaging.  Buying local means that trucks and ships were not used to ship stuff all over the place.

Organic Coffee and Tea is a great gift for people.  Buying organic means that no chemicals or pesticides were used in the production of the products.  You can buy these locally too! Depending where you live, it is likely you can find local stores who are roasting their own coffee beans and who care where those beans came from.  Some coffee beans where grown in places using slave child labor, or by companies that take advantage of their workers.   When you buy organic, also read the label to see from which country the beans where shipped and how they were harvested.  If it doesn’t say it came from people friendly places, it might not have.  I proudly endorse my favorite coffee which I still buy when I can….The Coffee Exchange in Providence, Rhode Island.

When possible, use this season as a teaching moment and explain to your kids why they don’t need the “big” gift of the season.  Each year toy companies create hot items they claim will be impossible to get.   Lines will go around the corner to get these items while truckloads of them will sit ready to feed the frenzy.   Commercials will convince children that it won’t be Christmas if they don’t get “X” gift.  This may be the first chance you get to prevent your child from being indoctrinated into the world of materialism and stuff-based society.  Capitalism teaches us that we need something outside and extrinsic to be happy.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  Parents often think they are making their kids happy by getting them cabbage patch kids, tickle me elmo or xbox 360.   In reality, parents do more harm than good by teaching kids they need a “Zu-Zu Pet” to be happy.   Teach them young that to be happy, they need to learn to like themselves without the perfect jeans, the perfect bike, the perfect [fill in blank with “stuff” item] because the greatest gift you can give a child is the ability to find inner happiness without Zu-Zu pets.

I would think and hope that by now, you get the point I am trying to make with this article.  Think about the products you buy this season.  Avoid excessive packaging and for god sake avoid thinking that any item you can buy is worth trampling other human beings at the opening of the doors of a store. Try to buy items that people need rather than stuff you give just to have a gift to give.   Make donations in their name to the food pantry or their favorite charity. There are endless ways to keep the spirit of the season without killing the earth, killing our souls and teaching our children that all this material crap is the path to peace and Happiness.

Enjoy Your Holidays and remember that Peace! It’s not just for Christmas anymore!

I came across this video because I follow the NVC Academy blog called, “Teach Empathy” and they posted the link.  It also happens to be that I am currently reading the book, The Age of Empathy.  One of the concepts de Waal proposes in his book is that the idea of competition in nature does not hold the disregard for life as might be proposed by some humans.  He also writes that the famous words, “survival of the fittest” are no where to be found in Darwin’s book, The Origin of Species and that those ideas of Social Darwinism aren’t really Darwin at all.  The ideas really came from a philosopher named, Herbert Spencer.   Instead, de Waal proposes that by nature we evolved to be empathetic creatures because it helped mothers raise their young.  It also helped to develop social groups that many mammals and birds develop for security.  In short, the book explains that empathy is very natural for us.  When I finally finish the book, which needs to be prior to running out of renewals at the library, I will write a review of it.  In the meanwhile, enjoy the interview with Frans de Waal.  He is also a very interesting speaker.