“replace the lies with truth”

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The Universe Leans to the Side Of Justice

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This story from Rwanda is pretty inspiring.   A women has befriended and forgiven the man who killed her family.   She says: 

Mukantabana admits it was difficult to forgive. She said she did not speak to Bizimana or his wife for four years after the killings. What put her on the road to healing, she said, was the gacaca process.

“It has not just helped me, it has helped all Rwandans because someone comes and accepts what he did and he asks for forgiveness from the whole community, from all Rwandans,” she said

Story Highlights

I wish I had more stories like this.  I wish the news would cover more stories like this.

I can’t help but stop again to think after learning the numbers of people killed, injured, left without homes or even family pictures. To wake up one day and have it all gone and what is left is in pieces. For some reason, these events have struck a nerve for me. I was driving in my car today and thinking about this gift basket I won at a conference I attended. I have no idea what is in the basket, but I have already decided I will be giving most of it away. I know I will get more joy out of giving the stuff away then I will keeping the stuff. I am sure it will make my friends and co-workers happier than me. (It is rumored to have Red Sox “trinkets” in it)

I remember being at the conference and they were handing out everything including pens, clocks, canvas bags and foam things to squeeze when you are stressed. Tons of “stuff” that I just don’t need. I made up my mind and told my co-worker, don’t let me take stupid stuff I don’t need just because it is neat. I asked her to remind me why I don’t want this stuff. She did remind me, being the good friend she is. She also reminded me why I don’t want this stuff. It is bad for me, the environment and and others. Didn’t work because I got trapped in how cool it was. I still ended up with a travel clock, a calculator, and a nice pen that doubles as a laser pointer. I have since given many of those things away and slapped myself on the wrist for taking them when I said I wouldn’t. I am hoping to resist better next time.

It seems that we Americans are addicted to “stuff.” We do everything we can to have the best stuff and we are constantly working toward getting better stuff. Regardless what we have, there is something better we wish we had. There is always a bigger flatscreen or more “bling” to get. I myself fall into this once in awhile, but for the most part in the past year or so, I am getting it: It is just stuff.

A big tornado can come and take it all away. The earthquake can rock Rhode Island and break my stuff into pieces. It is times of trouble that we realize, it is all just stuff. What counts for me are the people I love. (Starting with my partner, Rick)

Peter LaBarbera’s ability to over-simplify issues into scary “what if’s” is amazing, but also dehumanizing.   I have a friend who was born with both male and female sex organs.   While his appearance is mostly female, including being large chested, he also has working male sexual organs.  A recent law created to protect people like my friend is being scrutinized and misrepresented by people on the far right, like Peter LaBarbera.  Rather than using accepted scientific terms like “intersex” and “Gender Identity Disorder” so that people can discuss issues rationally and with all the facts, people like Peter use scary terms like “gender-confused” which if you ever met someone who has a gender identity disorder they are anything but confused.

Rational discussion of facts will bring us to a place where everyone is protected.   Oversimplifying things only puts people in danger, confuses the facts and distorts outcomes. Most importantly it causes fear and fear leads to violence.    Of course, as I said yesterday, I am convinced these right wing folks like Peter LaBarbera and friends are not at all interested in rational discussion or facts. 

Those who live with a Gender Identity Disorder generally have this issues long before sexual maturity.   Signs and symptoms occur at very young ages (2-4 years.)   To equate this disorder with “cross-dressing” and “gender-confusion” is a complete misrepresentation of facts.  

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be a parent of a young child with GID and read the garbage that Peter promotes and the harm he is willing to cause to promote his agenda.  He has misrepresented the facts and there is nothing good that can come from misinformation.    I wish people like Peter were less interested in “Winning” the culture war and more interested in the lives they affect.   The fact he does this in his “god’s” name makes it even harder for me to understand it.

I wish I had not read the papers today.  I woke up in a pretty good mood and I am currently taking some time today just to appreciate my safe surroundings, the safety of those I love and the next breaths I take.   It is all you can do when you add up the death, destruction and suffering that has occurred in the lasy 5 to 7 days.   Close to 100,000 human beings have lost their lives in disasters, bombings, and weather extremes in the last week and an esitmated, mind boggling number of people are currently facing hunger, disease and homelessness.  

In Myanmar, an estimated 1.5 million people are facing grims futures.  In China, over 18,000 people may be buried alive in rubble from an earthquake.  In India, 45 people have been killed in bombings.  In Florida, USA wildfires are leaving humdreds of families homeless.

This sounds like one of those days where it is worth stopping what you are doing for just five minutes and recognizing the beauty of the fact you are alive and safe.   For so many, that is not the case.   In the wake of such destruction, loss and pain, I feel grateful to be healthy, safe and alive.

Whenever someone says to me that I should believe in god, these are the reasons I cannot believe.   This is the evidence that god does not exist or at least confirmation that the current evidence is pretty weak.

I thought for no reason other than I felt like it….here is some pictures of one of my dogs. I had great photos of both my dogs but they were lost in the great hard drive crash of 2007. I need to take some new ones, but here are some photos of Nikita.  This is post 1000.

Crystal Dixon, the anti-gay side’s newest hero, is a human resource associate vice-president who made a handful of comments including:

“As a Black woman … I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are civil rights victims. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman. Daily thousands of homosexuals make a life decision to leave the gay lifestyle.”

I am so exhausted as a 38 year old gay man of hearing this tired old, just stupid argument that gays chose to be gay. It is easy to believe gays choose to be gay if you completely ignore everything we have ever learned about sexuality. It is easy if you just ignore we are human. It is easy to over-simplify it to a simple choice we made if, you completely ignore the facts, but that must be the case. It is easy if you ignore the terrorized faces of every kid crying as he tells his family he is gay. If you completely ignore the facts about the pain, suffering and shame that must be overcome to come out, than you can call it a choice. The Crystal Dixon’s of the world must just ignore all the facts.

I wonder if it is worth talking about facts anymore when people like Ms. Dixon, Ms. Harp, and Mr. LaBarbera don’t care about facts anyway. I don’t think it matters what the facts are they would dispute them anyway. LaBarbera and harp seems to be interested in being famous and powerful. I believe they care more about winning the argument than owning their damages.

I think we should just tell them what they wanna hear and be done with it. So hear it is. I chose to be gay. I woke up one day when I was about 5 or 6 years old and said, to hell with it all and me. I am gonna be gay. I am gonna be athletically useless just like the stereotype say I should be. I am gonna learn show tunes and learn tap. I am going to let the other kids beat the crap out of me and call me a faggot. Not sure why I made that choice, but yup, I did.

Along with making the choice to be gay, I would also like to admit that being gay is all about sex. There really isn’t anything more to this. It is just sex. In fact, my entire life has been about sex. Sex…sex…sex. I would write more about this but I have said it all. It is about sex. (how long will it be before this is taken out of context)

If this is what these anti-gay folks want to hear, we should just spoon feed it to them like grits on toast. Whatever it takes to show them how utterly dehumanizing and hurtful their claims are or force them to show their hands. What the fuck is your end game people? What does the world look like if you got what it is your are working toward? Are the gay people in camps waiting for the gas chambers? WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?

Paint me a picture. I would just like to know what the world looks like if these right wing, fundamentalist Christians actually got what they were working toward.

I see the anti-gay machine known as Peter LaBarbera has finally figured out that America is not having his one sided, negative only view of homosexuality, so he is moving on to Brazilian audiences who I can only image are eating it up. Of course the flip side is that they too will soon see that the gay folks they know and love don’t match the picture Peter paints.

Add to this Peter’s out right lies. He claims the pro-gay folks have more money than pro-family folks. That statement is just a lie.  Peter states in the interview:

Americans For Truth (www.americansfortruth.org) is one of a tiny number of groups worldwide dedicated solely to fighting the homosexual and transsexual activist agendas. The homosexual activists spend far more promoting homosexuality, bisexuality and transsexuality than the entire, collective pro-family movement in the USA. It’s not even close. They have the money and the power; we have God’s truth.

Problem is this is a proven lie. An outright, full fledged piece of untruth. Focus on the Family and the American Family Association have budgets that far exceed any pro-gay rights organization.

What strikes me, and leaves me feeling inquisitive is Peter’s posts promoting himself on various radio, print and tv. Every interview, mention in the papers and sound snippet available and Peter is there promoting Peter. He is his own best promo. That’s good since we all know I am not going to do it!

Also see Box Turtle Bulletin

I just finished a three-day training today in restorative justice. I am blown away by the vast amounts of things I learned in the three days. I can barely process all of it, my head is so full. I was learning more about victim/offender conferencing or mediation and more about the current criminal justice system than I ever have.

One of the larger concepts I walked away with from the workshop is how completely unfriendly our current justice system is to victims of crime. Even the court process is about the state vs. offender. Victims are left only as witnesses. They rarely have a voice in the process. When they do, it can be limited to victim impact statements that in some states, get this, are limited to 250 words.  How do you explain the impact, damage, emotion and loss to crime in your life in 250 words or less? In some higher profile cases, the press is given better seating in the courtroom at the trial than the victims.   I had no idea how insensitive the criminal justice system was for the victims of crime and/or their families.

The process is also traumatizing and ineffective when it comes to offenders. The idea that these are humans who made a bad choice vs. the idea these are bad people is often, if not always, lost on the system.   We treat them so badly that it is no wonder recidivism is so high. Rather than restoring or making any attempt at changing the circumstances, issues or problems that cause crime, we spend our time punishing the crime.   I am learning that doesn’t help the victim, doesn’t prevent crime, and doesn’t rehabilitate the offender.   It also costs us a fortune as tax payers.

On the other side of this coin is the process of restorative justice which seeks to repair the harm of crime as opposed to just punish individuals for crime.   It seeks restoration of all involved rather than revenge, punishment, or the delivery of what someone deserves to get for their crimes. It doesn’t let people off the hook but instead forces them to take responsibility for their actions and deal with the impact of them.   The idea of having victims of crime meet with the offenders of crime makes so much sense. Victims are left with so many unanswered questions that answered, could lead to a more complete healing system. “Why me?” or “Was this random?” or “what were the last words of my loved one?”, “Did they ask for me?” are all questions that many times go unanswered for victims and their families. Restorative Justice seeks to change that.

Restorative Justice is not a new concept. Native Americans, Tribal Communities in Africa and other places have used different types of restorative justice for centuries. Healing circles, mediation, and conferencing are all viable options of creating better outcomes for the victim, the offender and the community. The impact of crime often extends way past the immediate people. If a house in burglarized, it is not just the family that own that house that are the victims. The entire community gets put on fear alert. All become impacted by the crime. Restorative justice seeks to address the full impact of a crime.

I felt so inspired to be part of the training and see the amazing things that are being done is this field. I hope by me writing about this that you my reader will take a look at the process and feel as inspired and energized as I feel.

There are two things I hear anti-gay folks say that contradict each other on every level. The first is that being gay is all about sex, the second is that they know or have gay friends. Those two things don’t add up when put together. In fact, they don’t add for anyone breathing. If you believe on any level that being gay is just about sex, then you don’t know really know or understand anyone who is gay. You may be surface level friends or something, but you don’t really know or understand gay people. If you did, then you would know this isn’t all about sex. You would also know how dehumanizing it feels to hear people say it is all about sex.

I have known dozens of gay couples, and read about hundreds more who have been together 15, 20, 30, 40, 50 years. I can assure that doesn’t happen to couples who have based their relationship on sex. Sex is fun. Sex is rewarding for couples. It reassures feelings of intimacy. It can end arguments and create memories. Sex is the foundation of all relationships, but not the structure. Gay or straight, your attraction to your partner is key, but it is your love that keeps you together. It is your Darwinian instinct to have sex, with a person with whom you are attracted. On the other hand, it won’t last past breakfast if there isn’t something more.

I can tell you that after eight years (at the end of this month) being with my partner, this isn’t about sex. It is about companionship and love. If it was just sex, I could have dumped him years ago. So the next time some anti-gay person says that being gay is all about sex, but then claims they have gay friends you should know they are either lying or they greatly over-estimate the level of friendship and most certainly the understanding they have with and of gay people.

Sorry for the lack of updates, but I have really not felt much like writing. Whatever muse that usually drives me, seems to be off on vacation. I have been pre-occupied with some bigger news that is happening in my life, but I will save that for later when it is all confirmed. I also just finished an interview with David Ciciline, Mayor of Providence for “get” magazine that should be out in print in the next few days.

I have been watching the news about the Day of Silence and the Ken Hutcherson drama. It seems this man protested the protest against anti-gay violence. He complained about the Day of Silence being disruptive, then turned around to brag and celebrate his victory over the protest that was to protest anti-gay violence that was surly more disruptive than the Day of Silence. Not sure I can comprehend that mindset, but I can tell you it feels sad to read about the man’s glee at disrupting a protest against violence.

I also got myself tangled for a short while with a Stacy Harp supporter. Not sure what it is in me that believes that people will take the time to listen to each other and respect each other, but I do. I also know that can take lots of time and energy. The comments in this thread left me feeling exhausted just reading them, let alone replying. I don’t have that energy anymore. I have been blogging for 2 and 1/2 years seemingly to correct the same myths and lies over and over.

I sense so much bitterness, anger and frustration in their comments. That comes along with the references to Paul Cameron research that we die younger. I doubt they even know that is the source of that myth. There are also the typical myths and lies about GLBT folks and the inferences that gays deserve any violence that comes their way. One commenter wrote:

maybe if so many in the “GLBT” community weren’t working so hard to foist off their lifestyle on our children by telling my 8 year old son that someone wanting to stick their penis in his anus is perfectly natural and acceptable behavior maybe the folks that walk down the street so damned proud of the fact that they are a rope smoker or a carpet muncher wouldn’t get their asses beat down.

I am sad to hear anyone blame the victim for violence. It just does nothing to help anyone.

Eventually, I could see that nothing good or productive could come from the conversation there, so I ditched. Sadly, I find that to be the case with just about every anti-gay person I have ever had contact with especially Stacy Harp. Nothing good seems to come from talking with them. Aside from the understanding I gain of their thinking and where they are coming from, I see nothing good coming from direct conversation with people who are anti-gay.

I am growing to a point where I am happy to be with my partner, happy to hang with my dogs and just be. I am growing concerned about the direction this country is taking, but I am also getting older and tired. I see the bitterness and determination of people like Stacy Harp, Ken Hutcherson and the Peter LaBarbera’s of the world, to win against GLBT folks rather than win over GLBT folks. We as a country are more worried about who we have power over then who we have power with. These are some big mistakes if you take a look at what we are facing with food shortages and gas problems. Our population is heading for 9 billion and we don’t have the resources to feed all those people. You can guess where this will take us. (and they’re worried about who I sleep with?)

I don’t have their determination, but I also can happily say I am not carrying their anger or bitterness either. I think much of their reactions and movements come from a place of fear. None of them would be working so hard if they were not afraid what the world would look like should GLBT rights be granted. The flip side of that would be, what is there end game. What does the world look like should they get everything they are working to get? Do they even know?

With that all said, I am off to a behavioral health conference in Boston for a few days. I will check in but I won’t have time to blog much. In the meanwhile, I updated the page “My Journey to Nonviolence” feel free to catch up on where I am these days. I may even add some more later tonight as I have had a definite shift in my thinking lately!

UPDATE:

After checking in once or twice with the Cao Blog, I left this comment. I would be interested to see the replies to it.

the comment I left:

Stacy,
I have an entire blog filled with two years of writings denouncing glbt folks who use tactics like those. I feel confident I have denounced and rejected all forms of violence. If you feel that I should denouce it some more because it involved you then you should have emailed me and made such a request, not a demand. But think about it, why would I have made a specific mention of the mail you get? Why do you feel you are so important that I should denounce your email from activists? If you had made a reasonable request for me to denounce it, I would have but you made a demand instead. I don’t much give in to demands.

As for cao, I am not sure what you are even talking about. I did recently write a piece on my blog entitled how to oppose homosexuality without hate. One of the main points I made is that GLBT folks are human beings. We are capable of decent conversations but like most, would prefer that be civil discourse.

Civil discourse usually consists of “I” statements and valid points of argument.

Here is a sample of what I have heard on this thread about me or at me from you guys….
-rather hypocritical of Joe
-he’s determined to sit on the pity pot
-he’s afraid of your jokes. So he refuses to answer
-You seem to me to be a very disturbed person
-You’re afraid of everything
-What a confused soul
-If you’re that much of a nonviolence freak
-He came here intentionally baiting
-Seems ole Joe is just “skeered” of everything
-What a fantasyworld you live in!

Is this what you call civil discourse? I am happy to have a civil conversation with most people, but this is not civil discussion. I avoid bully tactics, insults and name calling as I see them as unproductive and divisive. If you would like to engage in civil discussion, then email me, otherwise this looks like school yard bully play that doesn’t help anyone.

I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that Stacy Harp has done something I have been advocating for from anti-gay advocates and that is to publicly condemn violence against GLBT folks.   While I believe Stacy has a long way to go, I did want to acknowledge this step in the right direction.

Stacy writes:

Today I, along with the homosexual community, remember Lawrence King. Lawrence King was killed by 14-year-old Brandon McInerney earlier this year in Oxnard, CA because he was gay, and had allegedly asked McInerney to be his valentine.

No one should ever be killed for being homosexual or lesbian. All crimes like this are horrible, and we need to speak out against such violence towards everyone who is treated this way. So join me by watching this video in memory of Lawrence’s life that was cut short.

Peter LaBarbera is calling on the media to demand a Federal investigation into the health risks of homosexual behavior.    Peter hopes that such an investigation would lead to proof that homosexual behavior is somehow dangerous, but he fails to mention that such an investigation is completely impossible.    To start which homosexual behavior is Mr. LaBarbera talking about?   Is is the homosexual dancing?  I thought that would be good for my blood pressure and keep me fit.  Perhaps Mr. LaBarbera is talking about homosexual house painting?  I know we homos love to decorate and that painting is a part of that, he must mean the behavior of painting? I admit, I have not painted in awhile and should really do something about that, but I am not sure the health risks of that.

All jokes aside, there is no specific behavior that could be labelled, ‘homosexual behavior’.  There is human sexual behavior.   There is no sex act that is solely homosexual.   Heterosexuals engage in the same “behaviors” that homosexuals do.   So, I am not sure that Peter has made a reasonable request (or demand) that the Federal Government.

Secondly to that, what if they did find risks? What do you propose Mr. LaBarbera?  What does your End Game Look Like?  Do you claim to have some secret plan to end homosexuality that you would like to enforce on all gay people?   What exactly do you want from us?

There seems to be some level of irony that an event designed and created to bring attention to bullying is being protested by bullies.  Just this year alone, we have faced the tragic murder of Lawrence King who was murdered for asking another boy to be his valentine.  King was often the target of bullies and suffered greatly through the tauting and teasing.

Study show us that bullying has long term effects including a link to depression.   Kids who are bullied are more likely to drop out of school, get into trouble with the law and turn to alcohol and drugs.   Often kids who are bullied are perceived to be gay by other children.  This compounded with the negative enemy imaged of gays and lesbians by anti-gay organizations, causes children to take sometime violent measures to be sure no one “thinks” they are gay.

Today’s protest, the Day of Silence, is meant to make a statement about the bullying and the violence that can be associated with it.   One would think the opposition to gay rights would be equally as opposed to bullying and violence and thus supportive of this event.  One would think that Christian and other religious groups whose interest in in “saving” or ministering to gays and lesbians would be supportive of this event, but such is not he case.

The Rev. Ken Hutcherson is protesting the protest today at a school in Washington State.   Now, I try to refrain from calling people names and labeling someone a bully would be name calling.  I admit that fully, but I also admit that many anti-gay organizations and individuals just fit the definition of a bully.  While there is no official definition of a bully, which has made it difficult for lawmakers to address the issue, the dictionary defines a bully as:

The Hyperdictionary: http://www.hyperdictionary.com/search.aspx?define=bullying
1. [n] the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something
2. [adj] noisily domineering; tending to browbeat others
Synonyms: blustery, domineering, intimidation
See Also: aggression, frightening, terrorisation, terrorization

The first defintion, a noun, clearly describes the actions of many anti-gay individuals and organizations when you consider that many religious organizations are trying to scare gay people into going back into the closet or to try and change their sexuality.  The second defintion, an adjective speaks for itself, in connection to anti-gay religious organizations as they can be some browbeating on their part to send us into the shadows.

With all that said, it is no wonder they would protest a protest that protests them!

Read: Day of Silence 2008 Part 1

I wanted to share with you a quote I read today.  It was left as a comment by someone reading the transcript of the phone call I received from Stacy Harp.   This comment really sums up the silly idea that being gay is all about sex and was made by a handsome guy named Jason.

You can reduce just about anyone’s relationship to sex if you completely ignore the humanity of the people involved.